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Well I have had my dose of Wikinese now so I can say with authority
that yours is very good Yuki.
More difficult in the English form too.
Of course mine was free form ;-)
You understand the gaijin.... completely adverse to discipline.
Your husband is a very wise man.
brian_z
--- In amibroker@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Yuki Taga <yukitaga@xxx> wrote:
>
> Brian,
>
> Well, you are definitely a gaijin, desu ne? Four, three, two? It
> can work, I guess, but you really want the last line to come as
> something of a redirection -- a sudden insight that is not so
> directly hinted at previously.
>
> 'Cicadas fall' leads us too directly to the conclusion 'silence', so
> it's no surprise, no revelation, too much grok; I think you get the
> point.
>
> I just got my husband to finally read "The Left Hand Of Darkness".
> Took him a while to get into it, as it took me, but then he couldn't
> put it down.
>
> How about this?
>
> Cicada music,
> August's insect orchestra.
> September crickets.
>
> Not that much different, but 5, 7, 5, and line one doesn't so
> directly lead to line three. We are (somewhat) suddenly redirected
> to the idea that the cicadas have brief lives (compared to us,
> anyway), and that the music of the autumnal equinox will belong to
> the crickets. (Your music may vary, depending on latitude,
> hemisphere, and other climatic factors.)
>
> Yuki (never, ever, confused with Basho)
>
> Thursday, August 28, 2008, 5:05:50 PM, Brian wrote:
>
> b> How about this Yuki?
>
> b> Cicadas fall,
> b> one by one,
>
> b> silence.
>
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