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Daytrading Humor



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To RealTraders:
Here's a column that appeared in a South Florida business publication.  I 
think you'll get a kick out of it.
Mike 

Daytrading
When You Need All The Protection You Can Get

    There was something wrong.  There I was at Mr. Joe's, a friendly sports 
watering hole where, for years, I had stopped after work to quench my thirst. 
 Many of the faces were the same.  There were yuppies, generation X'ers, 
Armani suits and flannel shirts, old codgers and young punks, males, females, 
and a few I wasn't sure about.   
Something was missing.  It was 6:30 and I didn't hear those bar sounds - the 
sounds of clinking glasses, arguments, gossip, and dirty jokes.  Where was 
the laughter?   The familiar sound of guys getting shot down?  The sound of 
anything on ESPN?  It was just too damn quiet.
    Suddenly a hush fell over the bar.  In unison, heads turned toward the 
televisions.  A voice on the TV said, "And in business news, technology 
stocks powered the market ahead as the Dow was up 113 points and the NASDAQ 
was up 24.  The S&P advanced 14 points in reaction to this afternoon's 
announcement by Alan Greenspan's announcement that the Fed will not raise 
interest rates."
    The crowd clapped and cheered.  I hadn't heard a reaction like this since 
the Marlins won the World Series.
    Things have changed.  We're in a bull market.  It started many years ago, 
but only recently have people recognized the power of the stock market.  
People of all ages and backgrounds are now invested.  Their life savings are 
on the line every day and their moods swing with the volatility of the 
market.  
    The American pastime has gone from baseball to monitoring your stock 
portfolio or mutual fund positions.  Some people have taken it a step further.
I saw Leonard as he approached.  He used to be an electrician.  Always a 
class guy, Leonard's business card read: Let Us Remove Your Shorts.  He was 
smiling. "I made $5,000 today, let me buy you a drink."  Considering what 
electricians charge, it seemed reasonable to me.
    It looked like he had put on a few pounds so I mentioned that he appeared 
prosperous.  Leonard said, "Oh, this?" as he opened his jacket to expose a 
bulletproof vest.  "I'm not an electrician anymore.  Now, I'm a daytrader.  
This is just part of the uniform.  Ever since that guy went nuts in Atlanta 
and killed all those people, we wear these vests," explained Leonard. "We 
even have to go through a metal detector.  It's almost as dangerous as 
working at the post office."
    I asked him how he learned.  "They give you a two week training course, 
four therapy sessions and then we're on our own." he said. "These guys get 
pretty personal.  The first day some guy took me aside and told me he was 
short. That was a lot more information than I cared to know about him."
According to articles I'd read, only about 15% of daytraders actually make 
money.      "It's basically a matter of ego and self-discipline," explained 
Leonard. "Most daytraders were professionals in other fields.  They were 
doctors, lawyers, and big shot executives who aren't used to admitting 
they're wrong.  The secret to making money daytrading is to cut your losses 
and preserve your capital.  To do that, you have to admit you're wrong.  
Every bad trade is a blow to their egos and they have no one else to blame it 
on.  They get hooked on 'hopium.'"
    "What's that?" I asked.
    "Hopium is a daytraders disease.  It's when you hold onto a bad trade and 
hope it comes back.  Before you know it, they'll fill up a whole wing of the 
Betty Ford Clinic to it and Jerry Lewis will be doing telethon."
    The patrons were still fixated on the TVs.  "A merger was announced this 
afternoon," the reporter said. "Knott's Berry Farm and the National 
Organization for Women will merge to become Knott NOW."
    I don't think I'll be buying shares of that company - not NOW or later.  
Me? I can't even afford a bulletproof vest.