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NEW VIRUS WARNING
If you see a message on the boards with a subject line
of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.
This is the most dangerous virus yet. It will re-write
your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any
disks that are even close to your computer (20' range at
72 Farenheit). It will recalibrate your refrigerator's
coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk
curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your
credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up
the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field
harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will
give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It
will program your phone autodial to call only your
mother's number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish
tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty
socks on the coffee table when there's company coming
over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for
work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear
1940's hits and static while stuck in traffic.
"Badtimes" will make you fall in love with a hardened
pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus
midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your
Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current
boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel
rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your
grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is
the power of "Badtimes", it reaches out beyond the grave
to sully those things we hold most dear. It will
rewrite your back-up files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of
key sentences. "Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm
disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the
hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from
your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk
with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous
and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather
interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.
Be very, very afraid.
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