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Buckingham Palace
16th November 2000
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the residents of the United States of America,
In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of your Independence,
effective today at Five o' clock Greenwich Mean Time.
Her Britannic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume sovereign
duties
forthwith over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except for
Florida, which shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King Juan
Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon Tony Blair, for the 98%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your
borders) will suggest to Her Majesty, a governor-general for America
without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look
up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that difficult.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good
guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but
only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The
2% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it
would
be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together at least an
American rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
give you any merde. The 98% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never
been
the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 7th will be a new
national
holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called "Indecision Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Welcome Back
God Save The Queen.
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