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Subject: IT Support
In an effort to assist the Site Support personnel the following guidelines
have been established.
Listen and Learn!!
Users:
An end user's guide to technical services
1. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing
to us to remember 2700 screen saver passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it
at once. We're just testing out the public groups.
4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your
guts out. We exist only to serve.
5. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question.
The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't
have e-mail or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and
flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual
greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and
wait exactly 24 hours before you send an e-mail straight to the director
because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common
courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support. We can fix your line from here.
10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair
with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a
puzzle.
11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a
setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we
just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother.
We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go
around and update the network drivers for you and all you co-workers. We're
grateful for the overtime money.
17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past two, eat
your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
18. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.
19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this
computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
crumbs and nail clippings in them.
22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes
button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing
it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about
that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support.
Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a
Master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
party who doesn't know jack shit about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.
27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller
chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a queue.
28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
computer question. We don't do weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for
you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database
flip out.
30. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office,
leave the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on the
Internet.
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