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Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash. - In direct response to accusations made by the Department of
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the
federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth," said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for
everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the Oval Office of the White
House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press
that changes will be "minimal." The United States will be managed as a
wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q2 2001 at latest," according to Microsoft president Steve
Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft,
and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly
to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive
authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went
on to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and that U.S. citizen
should offer Gates their "full support and confidence." Clinton will
reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as
U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
"silly," though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S.
government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went
on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy," he observed, "and look how well we're doing."
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding,
Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place."
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government
services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide
leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The
company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business
and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and
more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
computing and free society every day.
About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the
most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of
democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington,
D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft
Corporation.
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