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Fwd: Words of Wisdom (humor for Sat. am)



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>
>If you ever have one of those days that you feel
>stupid, read this. It will take that feeling away.
>
>1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and
>why?
>Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should
>not live forever, because if we were supposed to live
>forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
>live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
>* Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
>
>2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving
>kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean
>I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those
>flies and death and stuff"
>* Mariah Carey
>
>3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate
>produces some of the same reactions in the brain as
>marijuana. The researchers also discovered other
>similarities between the two, but can't remember what
>they are."
>* Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
>
>4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail
>to comply with the law"
>
>* David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering
>accusations that he failed
>to pay his taxes.
>
>5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a
>very important part of your life."
>* Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
>spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
>
>6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other
>part of my body."
>* Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
>forward
>
>7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
>lowest crime rates in the country."
>* Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
>
>8. "They're multipurpose Not only do they put the
>clips on, but they take them off."
>* Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the
>company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an
>ordinary pair of pliers.
>
>9. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
>* Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas
>Mavericks
>
>10."I'm not going to have some reporters pawing
>through our papers. We are the president."
>* Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
>subpoenaed documents
>
>11."China is a big country, inhabited by many
>Chinese."
>* Former French President Charles De Gaulle
>
>12."That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to
>death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
>* A congressional candidate in Texas
>
>13."The government is not doing enough about cleaning
>up the environment. This is a good planet."
>* Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would
>do with a million dollars.
>
>14."When I have been asked during these last weeks who
>caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer
>has been direct and simple: Who is to blame
>for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
>blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
>* Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex
>social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots. (I might
>be stupid, but I think he said it about right).
>
>15."I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great
>country away from them. There were great numbers of
>people who needed new land, and the Indians
>were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
>* John Wayne
>
>16."Half this game is ninety percent mental."
>* Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
>
>17."It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
>It's the impurities in our air and water that are
>doing it."
>* Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
>
>18."Without censorship, things can get terribly
>confused in the public mind."
>* General William Westmoreland (Again, I might be
>stupid, but I think he had it right. The mind can be
>polluted and some things should be censored)
>
>19."What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to
>have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
>* Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a
>fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund.
>He was attempting to quote the line ("a mind is
>a terrible thing to waste.")
>
>20."If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread
>and butter will be cut right out from under your
>feet."
>* Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
>
>21."I love California. I practically grew up in
>Phoenix."
>* Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle (It's good
>this guy dropped out of the race).
>
>
>
>=====
>
>__________________________________________________
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>  

Charles Kaucher

The trouble with being in a rat race is that even if you win, you're still
a rat.
  -- Lilly Tomlin